Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Last Stand of Sparklemane

The war for control of Smile Land between the Tinker Elves and the Unicorns had gotten way out of control.  It had been a land populated by high-pitched, perpetually happy life forms prancing around glittery landscapes.  The idea of bloodshed was an entirely foreign concept for them, but they were learning.

Sparkle Forest stood between the Unicorn Glens in the Sunshine Mountains and the Lollipop road that led to the Villages of Tinkerland.  The forests were the kind of idyllic greenery where an anthropomorphic rabbit could suddenly jump onto a rock and lead forest creatures in a song about sharing.  If that rabbit is there now, however, he’s going to want to get his happy ass out of there.  Things are about to get ugly.

In the middle of the forest, a few clicks north of Rainbow Falls,  Sparklemane lead a small battalion of Unicorns.  He walked in front with his lieutenant, Glitterhoof, beside him. The rest followed in a crescent formation.  From above it looked like a big, glittery smile emoticon moving through the forests.  Cuteness was a State of Nature in Smile Land, even in matters of war.

Suddenly, Sparklemane stopped and sniffed the air. 
“Elves!  I smell elves!” he said.  Sparklemane was a male, but not for reproductive reasons.  In Smile Land different sexes existed because little boys and little girls are.. well, cute.   It  made sense, but it meant that Sparklemane, elder of the Sugarhills Clan and General of the Smile Force Six sounded like a 6-year-old boy.

Glitterhoof giggled and turned to the rest of the battalion, “All right men!  We need to break through this line.   Do your best and remember that we all believe in you!”

The battalion whinnied the cutest battle cry ever.

Sparklemane stamped his feet, reared back and yelled, “Charge!”

The Unicorns took off through the trees jumping over rocks and over forest streams.  They leapt over a tall hedge and found themselves a few feet away from a line Elven war machines.  They looked like something a modern art welder would build if he was turned loose in a junkyard for a week with a pound of crack cocaine, a gallon of LSD and a welding torch.
It didn’t matter much to the Unicorns, because they didn’t see them for long.  As soon as they were over the hedge, a small voice on top of one of the machines yelled, “Unicorns!  Fire the Sunshine Rays!”

Weaponry was still a new concept in Smile Land.  The elves had, however, managed to convert sunshine rays and sneezing powder into the Smile Land equivalent of flash bombs and tear-gas.  Non-lethal, sure, but it did send a fair amount of Unicorns careening into rocks and embedding their horns into tree trunks.  It also sent Sparklemane, Glitterhoof and several others from their battalion retreating back behind the hedge.

Glitterhoof was pacing behind the green wall shaking her head and stomping her hooves, “Fuck!  Fuck, those pointy-eared cock-goblins,” she said.  Swearing was also new to Smile Land, but the Unicorns were taking to it with a certain amusing gusto.

Sparklemane recovered his sight enough to peer over the hedge.  The Elven war machines were getting closer.  Those in his battalion that weren’t struggling to free themselves from the trees had retreated with them.  “Form up!  Form a line.” yelled Sparklemane backing up slightly, “Ready your horns and think happy thoughts!”

Unicorn giggle magic was nothing new, it had entertained forest creatures since the beginning of Smile Land.   It had only recently been weaponized, though.  Sparklemane, for instance, had become adept enough that he could make elves liquefy their internal organs and blow the bloody mess through the back of their sparkly green pantaloons. 

The Unicorns lined up.  Sparklemane watched the Elves close in.  He looked down the line of Unicorn soldiers and when their horns started to glow bright enough he yelled, “It’s Smile Time Motherfuckers!”

A rainbow of Unicorn magic hit the encroaching masses of metal.   Soon the sound of howling laughter could be heard echoing from within the machines.  They started swerving erratically as the drivers fought bouts of laughter-induced terminal diarrhea.

The elf on top of the lead machine yelled through fits of laughter, “Forward! Hehehe!  Crush them! ”

Sparklemane directed all his magic to the Elf commander.  The Elf started laughing harder and soon doubled over and fell down the front of the vehicle.

Tinker Elves were widely regarded as the finest craftsmen in all of Smile Land.  Still, the Natural Law here dictated that all machines were almost designed to fail and suddenly belch out sparks and a sooty,  smoldering Tinker Elf.  War had multiplied that quality several times over and made the war machines more or less useless as armored assault vehicles, but made them impressively effective car bombs.  It didn’t take much. An Elf falling under the wheels in laughter could set them off.

The blast along with the smoke and shrapnel was disorienting.  Sparklemane heard the whinnies of other Unicorns caught in the explosion.  He couldn’t see anything except for Gitterhoof lying on the ground next to him.

“Glitterhoof?” he said, “Can you hear me, friend?”

He nuzzled her head.   It spun on the ground leaving a trail of glittery blood between it and the rest of her body.  She had been decapitated by shrapnel.

Sparklemane reared back and screamed.

Dave looked at the time and closed the book.  “It’s getting late, Jenny.” he said getting up and putting the newest Adventures in Smile Land book back on the shelf. “Well finish the rest of it tomorrow.”

Jenny gradually poked her head out from under the covers and squeaked, “Daddy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Um... You don’t have to read any more Smile Land.  I don’t think I like those books anymore.”

Dave smiled and turned out the light, “Okay honey.  Sleep tight.”  He closed the door and walked a few feet before pumping his arm and saying, “Yes!  Free at last!”

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