Friday, August 21, 2015

Jeremy's Drunk in the Kitchen

It's late summer which pretty much means you can't walk down the street without people frantically trying to unload bags of ripe garden fresh tomatoes from their home gardens.  Seriously.  If you know a person who has even a medium sized garden they are sitting on a metric ass load of tomatoes.  They are yours for the taking.  Those and any number of garden vegetables that can be shoved into a pot and turned awesome.
Tomatoes unaware of the horrors that await them.

You know what that means, bitches?  It's sauce time, fucker.  Tomato sauce... from scratch.  As in no cans.  And MEAT.  Lots of MEAT!



So this is an experiment.  I'm making notes so that, if this turns out good, I can replicate this again and again until the sun becomes nothing but a burned out speck in the cold, unforgiving sky.  Or if it sucks so I can bury it and never speak of it again... ever!  And I'm putting it online so that other humans can find it if they so wish because that's what people of the 21st century do!  They put their failure right out front so everyone can revel in the Sideshow of Shame. 

I'm varying a little from my standard homemade tomato sauce recipe and incorporating some elements from this recipe by Chuck Wendig that has become a staple in my household.  And, Chuck, on the off chance that you ever read this.  More recipes you beautiful bearded bastard.  More.  Fucking.  Recipes.

Also Blue Blazes Rocked.

Also I basically ripped off his recipe writing style with this rant.  But fuck it! Who cares.  NO RULES!

*pisses into pot*

*drops mic*

Um.... Okay, first rule.  No pissing into the pot.   And no shitting in it either.  Tell you what, you just put in what I tell you.  What you do besides is between you and whatever god you'll need to beg for forgiveness later.

Okay step one:  If you've accidentally just pissed in your cooking pot, throw that out and get a new one because... eww.

Next, tomatoes.  I ended up with about 9lb of the red, juicy bastards.  You may have more or less, I don't think it really matters that much.  Scale up or down as needed.

Also, take one pound of these and set them aside.  Make them feel like they narrowly avoided the horrific fate that will await their tomato brothers and sisters.  But just you wait, a much more terrible fate awaits them.  Look at them and laugh maniacally every once in a while.

Do it!  It add flavor.

The other 8lbs of tomatoes.  First we blanch those motherfuckers.  Why blanch you may ask yourself?   Weeel... we've got to peel and seed a shitload of tomatoes.  This makes it easier to peel.  Easier is good. 

Like your momma.

Next, we plunge those tomatoes into the boiling water.  Not long, maybe a minute.  Just enough so the skin starts to split and peel.  Once that happens pull them out.

No!  Not with your hand!  Get a slotted spoon you crazy fuck!

Okay from the boiling water, you drop the tomatoes into and ice bath.  That's ice and water for you lay folks who... I dunno don't know what ice and bath mean?  Shaddup.   And while your at it, put your hand in there before it blisters up.

Once the tomatoes are cool enough to handle, pull them out.  The skin should peel right off, much like what is happening to your hand right now, seriously go seek medical attention.   Okay the rest of you, the ones who didn't boil your own skin off.  Let's continue.

So its time to peel and seed.

Peel off the skin.  Squeeze out the snot and seeds.  Chop them up and throw into a blender.  Repeat.  Repeat you miserable bastard!

Okay tomatoes peeled, snotted and seeded.  Next step, blend.   Put those tomatoes into the blender and hit the blades until all you get is a weird, pink watery sludge.

Yes, it's suppose to look like that. Shaddup.

Just fucking trust me, okay.

Pour that into the pot.  Fire up the heat and bring that to a boil. 

At this point I added a few shakes of Italian seasoning, a bay leaf and a quarter cup of red wine. 

Speaking of wine, looking at the grammar and spelling its probably clear that a goodly amount of booze went into the making of this particular dish.  Whatever, you can't stop me!  Anyway, the drink of choice was margaritas.


Okay I can feel you judging me.  For those of you who think margaritas a girly drink, my cocktail recipe calls for a chili pepper or two along with the tequila, triple sec and lime juice.   If margaritas are a girly drink then this is the type of girl that kicks your ass at pool, nicks your wallet and beats you half to death when you come looking for it. 

This margarita, she is a spicy bitch.  Maybe if you're good and non-judgy I'll spew out that recipe someday.

She is a spicy bitch.

But right now, back to tomato sauce.

Once you have that up to a boil, step away son.  This doesn't need your help.  I mean, make sure it doesn't catch on fire but, other then that, let it do its thing.

While that is happening, BEHOLD!  The roasting pan!  You will need one large sweet onion.  Chop that up into six or eight pieces and toss it into the pan.  Then, a couple carrots skinned chopped and tossed with the onion.

Next, peppers.  Okay, its like this.  I ended up was almost as many bell peppers as I did tomatoes.  So what do we do?  We use the bastards.   Sliced and diced seven of them and tossed them into the pot.  WITHOUT MERCY! 

Aside from the six or seven smaller bell peppers, I threw a couple of Anaheim peppers in there.  I like Anaheim peppers because they are the bigger, dumber, gentler cousin of the jalapeno.  They add a lot of pepper flavor with just a touch of spice.

So grab some Anaheim peppers. Or feel the wrath of a million lost souls.

Now, remember those tomatoes you set aside.  The ones who have born witness to the death  of those who came before?  Yeah, it's time you sadistic prick.  Peel, chop, seed and toss in the pan.   Your tomato genocide is now complete.

Anyway, that all goes into the pan.  And on top of that, a decent helping of olive oil.  Go ahead, grease those bad boys up.  If you think you have enough oil, give them another spritz.

After that, a flurry of salt, pepper and Italian herbs.

Okay.  Meat.  I promised meat.  I deliver long, throbbing hunks of meat.


I was talking about Italian sausage.  Get your mind out of gutter, weirdo.  We are in the kitchen.  And there is food around.

1.5 lbs Italian sausage.  Plop them on top and send the whole mess into the oven.

The pan of roasted veggies pre-roasted.

Wait... like an hour.  This is a good time to clean up the kitchen a little.  If yours looks like mine at this point, your counter probably looks like the results of a vegetable murder suicide pact.  Clean that shit up before someone sees you, psycho.

Also, remember your pot of pink tomato juice?  By now it's probably starting to resemble sauce sorta kinda.  Well get back to that, motherfucker this is no time to slack the fuck off!

Okay so your gonna wanna add another cup of red wine.   That's if you haven't had it all you drunken fuckwad.

Next two cans of tomato paste.

What's that you say?  I promised no cans?  I, in fact, put that in capital letters.  NO CANS!  I may or may not have also added MOTHERFUCKER.


You know what, you are a horrible, judgmental prick who's going to die miserable and alone.

See?  That's what it feels like to have your shortfalls pointed out for all the world to see.


Okay, I forgot about the tomato paste.  You need two cans.  Toss those in and hide the evidence. 

After that a few squirts of Worcester sauce, a dash of salt and pepper, a splash of cider vinegar and another few sprinkles of Italian herbs.

You can't have too much Italian herbs.

One more thing, MORE FUCKING MEAT.

This time a whole dick of pepperoni.  Slice it in half, chop it into bits and toss it into the sauce.

Check your oven.  Your sausage should be golden brown.  The vegetables should be roasted with maybe just a hint of black on the sides.  Rescue your sausage and set it aside.  You don't want them to have any part in what comes next.

Okay remember your blender?  Well get it out again, cowboy, we are blending the shit out of some more stuff.  The whole pan, all of it gets blended into a thick, orangish sludge.  Yeah it looks like baby vomit but smells like pure roasty awesome.  It goes into the pot.

The sausage.  Chop it up and toss it in.

Continue to simmer for... well however long you wanna wait at this point.  Wendig recommends two hours.  Due to time constraints or just being hungry enough to contemplate cannibalism I've dished it out early before with no ill effects.

Give it... say an hour.  Maybe two if you can manage.

 Put it on pasta, add to Italian sausage sandwiches, pour it into a wading pool for your wrestling/ orgy championship (everybody wins) it doesn't matter.

Me, I like it on whole wheat spaghetti with Parmesan cheese on top.

And the results?  Pretty awesome.  This sauce was just a touch sweeter then the sauce I normally make.   There was just a touch of pepper to it as well.  All in all, a successful experiment.

Thus endith the lesson.

*passes out*