Dear Retail Outlets of the United States:
How are you? I am fine.
Listen we've got to talk about my email inbox. You all need to cut it the fuck out, mm...kay? Seriously stop it. It has gotten to the point where I get probably fifty emails per day from you bastards.
Now, I understand that some marketing focus group has put it in your stupid pea brains that you must maintain CONSTANT CONTACT with your customers. I wish I knew what sub-human was spreading such vial garbage so I could collect some holy relics, chant some words from a forgotten tomb of evil and send that creature back to the demon dimension from whence it came. Until that day, I will just have to be content with telling you all how wrong that concept is.
It seems to me we have to have The Talk. You know what I'm talking about, right? In some circles is called the Define the Relationship talk. In others it is called the Last Warning Before I Get a Fucking Restraining Order talk. It's basically the same talk either way.
Here it is. Ours is a buyer-seller relationship. When, in the course of my day I, for example, need a set of marital aids bearing the likeness of the cast of Firefly, I will come to you either in person or via the Internet and inquire as to whether or not you have such and item. If you indeed have such a thing that you are willing to give me for a set price, I will then arrange for funds to be transferred to you, you give me this thing I need and I GO ABOUT MY FUCKING LIFE.
See, I feel like you don't respect me. In the commercial hell-scape you call a mind, I feel like you see me as nothing but some dancing elf whose entire existence revolves around buying shit from you. And any waking moment spent not shopping should be spent earning just enough money to come back and buy more shit. Also it seems that you believe that I am so dumb that if, by some unimaginable oversight, you don't bombard my neurons with constant corporate stimulus, I will somehow FORGET that you exist! That I would be stuck in my apartment sitting in the middle of the living room floor in hysterics because I have ALL THIS MONEY and I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO SPEND IT ALL! WAAAA!
Let me clarify this. I know your there. It's okay. I just don't need any shit from you right this second. I'm good, thanks for asking. If I need something, I know where you are. I obviously found you once, I am fully capable of doing it again.
Fuck off. Leave me alone. Or else I will go to this other person to buy something... right up until they ask my email address too... fuck!
Love Jeremy.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Rancid Discovery
I used to love the Discovery channel, at least I think I did. I can never tell if the things I loved and now loathe changed, or if I just got older bitter and angrier. Maybe it was always this way, and I'm just now bright enough to catch on.
It seems to me though that Discovery and the History Channel have given up on intelligent programming and have gone the way of TLC replacing the last bastions of intellectual television with angry hillbillies screaming at each other.
I wonder if there is just no market for it now, assuming there ever was. I have a hard time believing that, even in a country as intellectually void as this one, there would still be enough people who want to watch something mentally stimulating as opposed to another version of the Jerry Springer show.
Either that or they are all going for the same market of slack jawed idiots that wouldn't miss an episode of Jersey Shore. It would be a sad irony, after everything that has been done to expand the options of the television audience, if choice was restricted because nobody wants to be the one to not be filling American airwaves with drunken pitched battles.
If the aliens pick up these signals, it could explain why they haven't showed yet. At least that's my hope. I don't think I want to meet the creatures that still wanted to make contact with us after we elected someone named Snookie to be a representative of our species.
It seems to me though that Discovery and the History Channel have given up on intelligent programming and have gone the way of TLC replacing the last bastions of intellectual television with angry hillbillies screaming at each other.
I wonder if there is just no market for it now, assuming there ever was. I have a hard time believing that, even in a country as intellectually void as this one, there would still be enough people who want to watch something mentally stimulating as opposed to another version of the Jerry Springer show.
Either that or they are all going for the same market of slack jawed idiots that wouldn't miss an episode of Jersey Shore. It would be a sad irony, after everything that has been done to expand the options of the television audience, if choice was restricted because nobody wants to be the one to not be filling American airwaves with drunken pitched battles.
If the aliens pick up these signals, it could explain why they haven't showed yet. At least that's my hope. I don't think I want to meet the creatures that still wanted to make contact with us after we elected someone named Snookie to be a representative of our species.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Apocolypse Now... er maybe later.
And we knew we would be. That's the fun part.
It's great fun making light about the end of humanity... mostly because there is no downside. If we are right (and we have been in 100% of cases so far) humanity will continue trudging on as it has since our savanna days.
And if we are wrong... well, bugger it. At least we had a laugh.
I've always been captivated how the End of Days captures our collective imagination and always has. I remember reading something about ancient Rome around the time of the Christian persecutions of Emperor Nero.
Christians at the time were betting on the End Times. Jesus' return was just around the corner and the End of Times would soon be upon them.
That was 2000 years ago and every once in a while a supermarket rag will be listing off the 'Signs of the Biblical Apocolypes!' Also Michigain Gives Birth to Alien.
Interstellar baby daddy demands paternity test.
The point is, every generation thinks that it's going to be the last.
Our parents thought sure a nuclear holocaust was on the horizon.
Their parents envisioned a world lead to destruction by the Nazi party or Communism
Their parents were watching a World War that would surely signal the end.
Their parents heard the loudest sound in recorded history, the Krakatoa explosion, surely the whole Earth was exploding.
Their parents may have been escaping famines across all of Europe including the Great Irish Famine which killed a quarter of the population.
Their parents were probably a tad apprehensive about Napoleon little party wagon across the face of Europe.
Of course their parents may remember the time France and the rest of Europe were facing peasant uprisings that threatened the very fabric of their societies.
And their parent's may remember expelling the entire Arcadian civilization in Nova Scotia during the French Indian war. Part of our fascination may be the fact that, for some, the world as they know it really does end. A lot.
See also the Hordes of Genghis Khan.
The fall of the Roman Empire.
You have to laugh. You have to because sometime, it really will be The End.
Even if we manage to keep from nuking ourselves or polluting the planet to the point of being uninhabitable... well the sun will explode someday. Give it a couple billion years.
If we escape that, the Milky Way Galaxy is going to hit Andromeda causing unknown havoc in about 5 billion years.
Failing that... well eventually most of the energy in the Universe will be used up and all of Creation will undergo heat death or have the very sub-atomic particles ripped apart.
You have to laugh, really.
So raise a glass to The End. May we always greet it with a drink in one hand, and raising a defiant middle finger with the other. May every Apocalypse be as uneventful.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Sympathy For Immortals: December
I full and truly finished two of the five chapters I had set as a goal for myself last month. Not a great start, but there are some factors involved, so I'm trying to give myself some slack.
First there's the fact that I was working... quite a lot. Tons actually. It's probably a bit of a miracle that I got as much done as I did.
The early chapters are needing to be more or less re-written. Later chapters will be more streamlined so that all I really have to do is cut and paste and clean-up. Sadly, or maybe not, that will become more prominent when I actually have time to write again, so we'll see when I get that far.
The schedual still stands for now with a slight nudge the other way:
December Ch 3-5
Jan. 5-10
Feb. 10-15
March 15-20
April 20-25
May 25 - ??
Still hoping to cut several chapters out of this piece and that will lighten the load a bit, definatly won't have a second draft done until June 1 at very earliest.
First there's the fact that I was working... quite a lot. Tons actually. It's probably a bit of a miracle that I got as much done as I did.
The early chapters are needing to be more or less re-written. Later chapters will be more streamlined so that all I really have to do is cut and paste and clean-up. Sadly, or maybe not, that will become more prominent when I actually have time to write again, so we'll see when I get that far.
The schedual still stands for now with a slight nudge the other way:
December Ch 3-5
Jan. 5-10
Feb. 10-15
March 15-20
April 20-25
May 25 - ??
Still hoping to cut several chapters out of this piece and that will lighten the load a bit, definatly won't have a second draft done until June 1 at very earliest.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Sympathy for Immortals update.
I've started the second draft of my first novel. In starting to realize that this may be my trunk novel. It's random, it's disjointed, it's trying to tell a story that I might not be good enough or smart enough to tell, not yet at least. What I am doing now, it's valuable if only to learn my craft.
My goal is to have it finished by April, the commit myself to sleepers.
My goal is to have it finished by April, the commit myself to sleepers.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sympathy For Immortals: The Great Rewriting.
The time has come for the great rewriting project. The attempt to make Sympathy readable... perhapes even kinda good. I'm not holding my breath, but here is the schedual I have planned out in my head.
October 2012: All the prepwork I should have done going into this project. Despite the fact that this story has been floating around my head for well over a decade, it was a mish-mash of thoughts, ideas and vauge notions. It was going to be a great novel.... didn't know anything about it except that it was going to be great.
Well it's exists. It will get better. It might even be good. I would settle for good.
Characters need to be rounded out.
Rules need to be established concerning angels, immortality and Death.
Might even write an outline... we will see.
November 2012: Chapters 1-5
December 2012: Chapters 6-10
January 2013: 11- 15
February 2013 15-20
March 2013: 21-25
April 2013: 25-30? Or whatever is left.
Six months. I think it's doable. But we will see how reality plays out.
October 2012: All the prepwork I should have done going into this project. Despite the fact that this story has been floating around my head for well over a decade, it was a mish-mash of thoughts, ideas and vauge notions. It was going to be a great novel.... didn't know anything about it except that it was going to be great.
Well it's exists. It will get better. It might even be good. I would settle for good.
Characters need to be rounded out.
Rules need to be established concerning angels, immortality and Death.
Might even write an outline... we will see.
November 2012: Chapters 1-5
December 2012: Chapters 6-10
January 2013: 11- 15
February 2013 15-20
March 2013: 21-25
April 2013: 25-30? Or whatever is left.
Six months. I think it's doable. But we will see how reality plays out.
Monday, September 17, 2012
The Infinite Loop
Even before the extinction of the human race, old highway 54 was downright dangerous at night. The lack of recent maintenance exacerbated the problem somewhat, but no one seemed to notice, except for the one pick-up truck working it’s way through the dark.
It was being driven by a cybernetic-humanoid, a robotic entity designed to look vaguely human; it walked on two legs, had two arms and a head. True, the CH droid had three times as many joints on the legs and arms that could extend and retract but the head was very human-like if you overlooked the metallic sheen and the rotating optical receptors. It could still operate an old pick-up truck found in an abandoned town outside the Grid. Most cybernetics didn’t bother much with them, but they were the only useful transportation in the Uninhabited Zone.
Analysis of the humankind-ending plague revealed that it started somewhere in this area, which made it an area of interest. The humans living here were the first to succumb. Towns in the area had been deserted for nearly ten years now.
So a girl suddenly walking in front of the truck came as kind of a shock to the CH droid's CPU. What happened can’t be well translated from digital, but within an instant the droid decided on a solution; force the vehicle into first gear, apply the handbrake, turn the wheel exactly 30.2 degrees, miss the girl, run the truck up the embankment to slow down, turn the wheel 29.57 degrees the other direction and back on the road. As back end of the truck slid, the cyborg applied more pressure to the brakes and allowed angular momentum to slow forward inertia. If it were at all possible to do so, the cyborg would probably have shit in it’s pants.
When the truck stopped, the CH droid did a quick analysis of vehicular damage and, finding none, opened the door and walked out onto the road. Servos in his head whirred as his vision switched from enhanced optical, to thermal to ultra-violet and back to optical. There was no girl. There wasn’t even a body, just a moonlit road weaving through the forest.
It made one last scan and returned to the pick-up. It was able to sit down before it noticed the girl was sitting in the passenger seat. What happened to the droid’s processors is hard to translate from digital speak, but the whirring servos was basically the digital equivalent of yelling, “What. The. Figgity. Fuck!”
The woman looked at the cyborg and said, “Hello.”
“Hello. Can I assist you in some way?” said the cyborg. It could see that her eyes had a certain glow in them that was unknown in any species of mammal on earth. Her skin was pale to the point of being translucent.
“I want to go home.”
The cyborg processed this and said, “Yes. I can help you. Where is your home?”
“Drive. I will show you the way.”
The cyborg did as it was told. The girl did not speak she simply sat and glared at the robot. It caused occasional danger warnings to flash in the cyborg’s CPU. It doesn’t translate well from digital speak but it’s equivalent to being highly creeeped out. Cybernetic entities rarely understood the term uncomfortable silence, but this one was learning quickly. Finally it said, “I am cybernetic humanoid number 1153. I must say that it is amazing to find a living human, in this area. Tell me, do you know anything about the catastrophe that lead to the plague?”
“Please watch the road. It’s dangerous” said the girl.
“I do not know if you are aware, but something happened here that decimated the human population. Do you know anything of it? Are there others here, others that might have survived?”
“There are no people here. There was only Kyle. Kyle killed me.”
The cyborg paused to process that information. “You are dead?”
The girl nodded, “Kyle killed me. He killed me because he thought I was a liar. He wouldn’t watch the road.”
“I believe you might have hurt yourself. Allow me to take you somewhere were you can get help.”
The woman shook her head, “You can’t help me. You will die too. Just like everyone else.”
“Everyone else?”
“Everyone died because Kyle wouldn’t watch the road.”
“I do not understand.”
“Kyle... you should really watch the road now.”
As quickly as the girl had appeared, there was a horn blast and the pickup was bathed in light from the headlights of an oncoming semi. The girl screamed and the cyborg calculated. It doesn’t translate well in any language, especially digital speak, but the droid came to a conclusion. The cyborg reached out to touch the girl and it’s arm passed right through here. just like the semi passed through the pick-up moments later. Instantly, both the truck and the woman disappeared.
The cyborg slammed on the brakes one more time bringing the truck to a stop. It opened the door and started scanning the area for the girl or the semi. Suddenly, he noticed something metallic sticking out of the embankment. The cyborg knelt down for a closer look. It was remains of a tanker truck, long buried and overgrown. With some digging, words could be read, ‘Biologic Solutions.’
Ten years ago, the company reported a loss of a transport truck but failed to detail it’s cargo, a virus being engineered as a biological weapon. Still, the CH droid ran into a problem explaining how it made the discovery.
Words like paranormal, ghosts and psychic phenomenon don’t translate well into digital speak.
It settled for suggesting that it had inadvertently activated a lost biological data fragment caught in an infinite loop. Upon providing a terminating condition the data revealed the location of the wreckage.
It was being driven by a cybernetic-humanoid, a robotic entity designed to look vaguely human; it walked on two legs, had two arms and a head. True, the CH droid had three times as many joints on the legs and arms that could extend and retract but the head was very human-like if you overlooked the metallic sheen and the rotating optical receptors. It could still operate an old pick-up truck found in an abandoned town outside the Grid. Most cybernetics didn’t bother much with them, but they were the only useful transportation in the Uninhabited Zone.
Analysis of the humankind-ending plague revealed that it started somewhere in this area, which made it an area of interest. The humans living here were the first to succumb. Towns in the area had been deserted for nearly ten years now.
So a girl suddenly walking in front of the truck came as kind of a shock to the CH droid's CPU. What happened can’t be well translated from digital, but within an instant the droid decided on a solution; force the vehicle into first gear, apply the handbrake, turn the wheel exactly 30.2 degrees, miss the girl, run the truck up the embankment to slow down, turn the wheel 29.57 degrees the other direction and back on the road. As back end of the truck slid, the cyborg applied more pressure to the brakes and allowed angular momentum to slow forward inertia. If it were at all possible to do so, the cyborg would probably have shit in it’s pants.
When the truck stopped, the CH droid did a quick analysis of vehicular damage and, finding none, opened the door and walked out onto the road. Servos in his head whirred as his vision switched from enhanced optical, to thermal to ultra-violet and back to optical. There was no girl. There wasn’t even a body, just a moonlit road weaving through the forest.
It made one last scan and returned to the pick-up. It was able to sit down before it noticed the girl was sitting in the passenger seat. What happened to the droid’s processors is hard to translate from digital speak, but the whirring servos was basically the digital equivalent of yelling, “What. The. Figgity. Fuck!”
The woman looked at the cyborg and said, “Hello.”
“Hello. Can I assist you in some way?” said the cyborg. It could see that her eyes had a certain glow in them that was unknown in any species of mammal on earth. Her skin was pale to the point of being translucent.
“I want to go home.”
The cyborg processed this and said, “Yes. I can help you. Where is your home?”
“Drive. I will show you the way.”
The cyborg did as it was told. The girl did not speak she simply sat and glared at the robot. It caused occasional danger warnings to flash in the cyborg’s CPU. It doesn’t translate well from digital speak but it’s equivalent to being highly creeeped out. Cybernetic entities rarely understood the term uncomfortable silence, but this one was learning quickly. Finally it said, “I am cybernetic humanoid number 1153. I must say that it is amazing to find a living human, in this area. Tell me, do you know anything about the catastrophe that lead to the plague?”
“Please watch the road. It’s dangerous” said the girl.
“I do not know if you are aware, but something happened here that decimated the human population. Do you know anything of it? Are there others here, others that might have survived?”
“There are no people here. There was only Kyle. Kyle killed me.”
The cyborg paused to process that information. “You are dead?”
The girl nodded, “Kyle killed me. He killed me because he thought I was a liar. He wouldn’t watch the road.”
“I believe you might have hurt yourself. Allow me to take you somewhere were you can get help.”
The woman shook her head, “You can’t help me. You will die too. Just like everyone else.”
“Everyone else?”
“Everyone died because Kyle wouldn’t watch the road.”
“I do not understand.”
“Kyle... you should really watch the road now.”
As quickly as the girl had appeared, there was a horn blast and the pickup was bathed in light from the headlights of an oncoming semi. The girl screamed and the cyborg calculated. It doesn’t translate well in any language, especially digital speak, but the droid came to a conclusion. The cyborg reached out to touch the girl and it’s arm passed right through here. just like the semi passed through the pick-up moments later. Instantly, both the truck and the woman disappeared.
The cyborg slammed on the brakes one more time bringing the truck to a stop. It opened the door and started scanning the area for the girl or the semi. Suddenly, he noticed something metallic sticking out of the embankment. The cyborg knelt down for a closer look. It was remains of a tanker truck, long buried and overgrown. With some digging, words could be read, ‘Biologic Solutions.’
Ten years ago, the company reported a loss of a transport truck but failed to detail it’s cargo, a virus being engineered as a biological weapon. Still, the CH droid ran into a problem explaining how it made the discovery.
Words like paranormal, ghosts and psychic phenomenon don’t translate well into digital speak.
It settled for suggesting that it had inadvertently activated a lost biological data fragment caught in an infinite loop. Upon providing a terminating condition the data revealed the location of the wreckage.
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