The Infinite Loop

Even before the extinction of the human race, old highway 54 was downright dangerous at night.  The lack of recent maintenance exacerbated the problem somewhat, but no one seemed to notice, except for the one pick-up truck working it’s way through the dark.

It was being driven by a cybernetic-humanoid, a robotic entity designed to look vaguely human; it walked on two legs, had two arms and a head.  True, the CH droid had three times as many joints on the legs and arms that could extend and retract but the head was very human-like if you overlooked the metallic sheen and the rotating optical receptors.   It could still operate an old pick-up truck found in an abandoned town outside the Grid.  Most cybernetics didn’t bother much with them, but they were the only useful transportation in the Uninhabited Zone.

Analysis of the humankind-ending plague revealed that it started somewhere in this area, which made it an area of interest.  The humans living here were the first to succumb.  Towns in the area had been deserted for nearly ten years now. 

So a girl suddenly walking in front of the truck came as kind of a shock to the CH droid's CPU.    What happened can’t be well translated from digital, but within an instant the droid decided on a solution; force the vehicle into first gear, apply the handbrake, turn the wheel exactly 30.2 degrees, miss the girl, run the truck up the embankment to slow down, turn the wheel 29.57 degrees the other direction and back on the road.  As back end of the truck slid, the cyborg applied more pressure to the brakes and allowed angular momentum to slow forward inertia.  If it were at all possible to do so, the cyborg would probably have shit in it’s pants. 

When the truck stopped, the CH droid did a quick analysis of vehicular damage and, finding none, opened the door and walked out onto the road.  Servos in his head whirred as his vision switched from enhanced optical, to thermal to ultra-violet and back to optical.  There was no girl.  There wasn’t even a body, just a moonlit road weaving through the forest.

It made one last scan and returned to the pick-up.  It was able to sit down before it noticed the girl was sitting in the passenger seat.  What happened to the droid’s processors is hard to translate from digital speak, but the whirring servos was basically the digital equivalent of yelling, “What.  The.  Figgity.  Fuck!”

The woman looked at the cyborg and said, “Hello.”

“Hello.  Can I assist you in some way?” said the cyborg.  It could see that her eyes had a certain glow in them that was unknown in any species of mammal on earth.  Her skin was pale to the point of being translucent.

“I want to go home.”

The cyborg processed this and said, “Yes. I can help you.  Where is your home?”

“Drive.  I will show you the way.”

The cyborg did as it was told.   The girl did not speak she simply sat and glared at the robot. It caused occasional danger warnings to flash in the cyborg’s CPU.  It doesn’t translate well from digital speak but it’s equivalent to being highly creeeped out.  Cybernetic entities rarely understood the term uncomfortable silence, but this one was learning quickly.  Finally it said,  “I am cybernetic humanoid number 1153.  I must say that it is amazing to find a living human, in this area.  Tell me, do you know anything about the catastrophe that lead to the plague?”

“Please watch the road.  It’s dangerous” said the girl.

“I do not know if you are aware, but something happened here that decimated the human population.  Do you know anything of it?  Are there others here, others that might have survived?”

“There are no people here.  There was only Kyle.  Kyle killed me.”

The cyborg paused to process that information.  “You are dead?”

The girl nodded, “Kyle killed me.  He killed me because he thought I was a liar.  He wouldn’t watch the road.”

“I believe you might have hurt yourself.  Allow me to take you somewhere were you can get help.”

The woman shook her head, “You can’t help me.  You will die too.  Just like everyone else.”

“Everyone else?” 

“Everyone died because Kyle wouldn’t watch the road.”

“I do not understand.”

“Kyle... you should really watch the road now.”

As quickly as the girl had appeared, there was a horn blast and the pickup was bathed in light from the headlights of an oncoming semi.  The girl screamed and the cyborg calculated.  It doesn’t translate well in any language, especially digital speak, but the droid came to a conclusion.     The cyborg reached out to touch the girl and it’s arm passed right through here. just like the semi passed through the pick-up moments later.  Instantly, both the truck and the woman disappeared. 

The cyborg slammed on the brakes one more time bringing the truck to a stop.  It opened the door and started scanning the area for the girl or the semi.  Suddenly, he noticed something metallic sticking out of the embankment.  The cyborg knelt down for a closer look.  It was remains of a tanker truck, long buried and overgrown.  With some digging, words could be read, ‘Biologic Solutions.’

Ten years ago, the company reported a loss of a transport truck but failed to detail it’s cargo, a virus being engineered as a biological weapon.  Still, the CH droid ran into a problem explaining how it made the discovery.

Words like paranormal, ghosts and psychic phenomenon don’t translate well into digital speak.

 It settled for suggesting that it had inadvertently activated a lost biological data fragment caught in an infinite loop.  Upon providing a terminating condition the data revealed the location of the wreckage.

The Last Stand of Sparklemane

The war for control of Smile Land between the Tinker Elves and the Unicorns had gotten way out of control.  It had been a land populated by high-pitched, perpetually happy life forms prancing around glittery landscapes.  The idea of bloodshed was an entirely foreign concept for them, but they were learning.

Sparkle Forest stood between the Unicorn Glens in the Sunshine Mountains and the Lollipop road that led to the Villages of Tinkerland.  The forests were the kind of idyllic greenery where an anthropomorphic rabbit could suddenly jump onto a rock and lead forest creatures in a song about sharing.  If that rabbit is there now, however, he’s going to want to get his happy ass out of there.  Things are about to get ugly.

In the middle of the forest, a few clicks north of Rainbow Falls,  Sparklemane lead a small battalion of Unicorns.  He walked in front with his lieutenant, Glitterhoof, beside him. The rest followed in a crescent formation.  From above it looked like a big, glittery smile emoticon moving through the forests.  Cuteness was a State of Nature in Smile Land, even in matters of war.

Suddenly, Sparklemane stopped and sniffed the air. 
“Elves!  I smell elves!” he said.  Sparklemane was a male, but not for reproductive reasons.  In Smile Land different sexes existed because little boys and little girls are.. well, cute.   It  made sense, but it meant that Sparklemane, elder of the Sugarhills Clan and General of the Smile Force Six sounded like a 6-year-old boy.

Glitterhoof giggled and turned to the rest of the battalion, “All right men!  We need to break through this line.   Do your best and remember that we all believe in you!”

The battalion whinnied the cutest battle cry ever.

Sparklemane stamped his feet, reared back and yelled, “Charge!”

The Unicorns took off through the trees jumping over rocks and over forest streams.  They leapt over a tall hedge and found themselves a few feet away from a line Elven war machines.  They looked like something a modern art welder would build if he was turned loose in a junkyard for a week with a pound of crack cocaine, a gallon of LSD and a welding torch.
 
It didn’t matter much to the Unicorns, because they didn’t see them for long.  As soon as they were over the hedge, a small voice on top of one of the machines yelled, “Unicorns!  Fire the Sunshine Rays!”

Weaponry was still a new concept in Smile Land.  The elves had, however, managed to convert sunshine rays and sneezing powder into the Smile Land equivalent of flash bombs and tear-gas.  Non-lethal, sure, but it did send a fair amount of Unicorns careening into rocks and embedding their horns into tree trunks.  It also sent Sparklemane, Glitterhoof and several others from their battalion retreating back behind the hedge.

Glitterhoof was pacing behind the green wall shaking her head and stomping her hooves, “Fuck!  Fuck, those pointy-eared cock-goblins,” she said.  Swearing was also new to Smile Land, but the Unicorns were taking to it with a certain amusing gusto.

Sparklemane recovered his sight enough to peer over the hedge.  The Elven war machines were getting closer.  Those in his battalion that weren’t struggling to free themselves from the trees had retreated with them.  “Form up!  Form a line.” yelled Sparklemane backing up slightly, “Ready your horns and think happy thoughts!”

Unicorn giggle magic was nothing new, it had entertained forest creatures since the beginning of Smile Land.   It had only recently been weaponized, though.  Sparklemane, for instance, had become adept enough that he could make elves liquefy their internal organs and blow the bloody mess through the back of their sparkly green pantaloons. 

The Unicorns lined up.  Sparklemane watched the Elves close in.  He looked down the line of Unicorn soldiers and when their horns started to glow bright enough he yelled, “It’s Smile Time Motherfuckers!”

A rainbow of Unicorn magic hit the encroaching masses of metal.   Soon the sound of howling laughter could be heard echoing from within the machines.  They started swerving erratically as the drivers fought bouts of laughter-induced terminal diarrhea.

The elf on top of the lead machine yelled through fits of laughter, “Forward! Hehehe!  Crush them! ”

Sparklemane directed all his magic to the Elf commander.  The Elf started laughing harder and soon doubled over and fell down the front of the vehicle.

Tinker Elves were widely regarded as the finest craftsmen in all of Smile Land.  Still, the Natural Law here dictated that all machines were almost designed to fail and suddenly belch out sparks and a sooty,  smoldering Tinker Elf.  War had multiplied that quality several times over and made the war machines more or less useless as armored assault vehicles, but made them impressively effective car bombs.  It didn’t take much. An Elf falling under the wheels in laughter could set them off.

The blast along with the smoke and shrapnel was disorienting.  Sparklemane heard the whinnies of other Unicorns caught in the explosion.  He couldn’t see anything except for Gitterhoof lying on the ground next to him.

“Glitterhoof?” he said, “Can you hear me, friend?”

He nuzzled her head.   It spun on the ground leaving a trail of glittery blood between it and the rest of her body.  She had been decapitated by shrapnel.

Sparklemane reared back and screamed.

Dave looked at the time and closed the book.  “It’s getting late, Jenny.” he said getting up and putting the newest Adventures in Smile Land book back on the shelf. “Well finish the rest of it tomorrow.”

Jenny gradually poked her head out from under the covers and squeaked, “Daddy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Um... You don’t have to read any more Smile Land.  I don’t think I like those books anymore.”

Dave smiled and turned out the light, “Okay honey.  Sleep tight.”  He closed the door and walked a few feet before pumping his arm and saying, “Yes!  Free at last!”

The Kook, The Thief, The Tyrant, The Skeptic and The Believer.

“Three truths I will tell you, and one lie,” said Plouton Clark taking another drink of ale.  “You may ask any four questions you like, but only four.”

It was three years ago and we were sitting on the porch outside the Free State Brewery in Lawrence, Kansas.  Clark had just started his Church of New Life, and I was working on the first national story about the new religion for World News Magazine.

“Only four questions?” I asked.

“If I give you carte-blanche,” said Clark, “you will find something to discredit me. Ask enough questions, and you can find the flaw in any argument.  Even well-established science looks flimsy under enough scrutiny and I’ve got to give myself a fighting chance.”

“Why the lie?” I asked.

Clark twisted pieces of his long beard around his finger.  He had one of those beards I had only seen in cartoons usually worn characters who had suddenly grown comically old.  “You’re a skeptic and that’s what you’ll be looking for.  A believer clings to a singular truth among lies.  Skepticism is just the opposite.”

It was the end of the first day I spent with Plouton Clark.  We spent the first half of the day touring the refurbished strip mall in downtown Lawrence that was now the Church headquarters.  The second half was spent at the bar.  Clark swilled beer and talked so fast about his strange  philosophies that I could barely get a word into the conversation, much less a whole question.  I had to admit that he looked the part of a modern prophet.  The cargo shorts and the old, stained T-shirt and flip-flops were probably the modern equivalent of a robe and sandals.

“He’s a crackpot!” my editor told me as I was leaving the office to catch my flight.  “Or a con-artist or some guy who gets his rocks off with power.  Just find out which one it is, and write the story.”

 He was one of those editors that insisted on writing your story for you, and honestly I kind of let him.  It was easier then arguing.  So the entire time I spent with Clark, my editor’s words were floating in my brain. Was Clark a kook, a thief or a tyrant? 

“Well, how about it then?” said Clark after a fresh sip of beer, “Care to give it a go?”

“Okay,” I said flipping through my notebook and forming a strategy.  I would ask him questions, force a lie out of him on the last one and do some fact checking later.  Then, I would have my story or my editor’s story at least.

“First question, why did God contact you to start this church?  Are you somehow special?”

I figured a tyrant would claim that there was nothing special about him.

“I am special,” said Clark.  “Clearly I am, or God wouldn’t have contacted me.  He did, you know.  I was sitting in my house watching TV, and He appeared on the screen and gave me instructions.  How many prophets do you know got a message from God through a 32-inch flat screen?”

He laughed and I wrote down his answer and marked it with a letter ‘T’.  “Second question, I said,  “To join the church, you say people have to give up their excess wealth.  Where does it all go?”   Surely a thief would hide the money.

“I keep it,” said Clark drinking the last of his beer, “I suspect I may be the richest man in the country in five years, give or take a couple.”

I winced as I wrote his answer and put another ‘T’ next to it.  “Third question, I have it in my notes that you were admitted to a mental hospital and were released against the wishes of the staff.  Can you talk about that?”

“Oh, I was completely bonkers,” said Clark smiling at the waitress bringing him another beer, “Still am, I should think.  You may have also noticed that this is my fifth pint.  The great thing about drinking  is it helps keep me from bottling up the crazy.  A thought hits my brain and, bam!, it’s out in the world.  Probably makes be a better preacher.”

I felt  like an idiot asking my final question, “What is your name?”

Clark smiled, “Pluton Clark.”

I met with Clark again three years later at the same brewery. I had long since resigned from the magazine and I was working on a book about the Church of New Life. In recent years, it had a growth rate faster than any religion on the planet.

“I read your article,” said Clark taking a long drink of a stout.

“What did  you think?” I asked.

“A bit disjointed.  It’s like you couldn’t decide what to write about.  It’s something I would write if anyone was stupid enough to let me.”

I nodded, but said nothing.  He was right.

“Just as well,” said Clark taking a drink from his beer, “Who knows what damage a well-written article would have done.  Could have brought down my whole operation.”

I put down my pen and looked at Clark, “Did you do something to sabotage the story?”

Clark shook his head, “Nothing that you weren’t already doing.  You are a believer, not a skeptic.  You like the truth among lies, not the other way around.”

“You didn’t tell any lies, that was the problem with my article.” I said. 

“I said my name was Plouton Clark.  I was born Andy Stevenson which you knew since you had my mental health history.”

“You were born Andy Stevenson, but that doesn’t mean your name isn’t Plouton Clark now.” I said.

Clark smiled, “The truth among lies. That’s just how your brain works.”

“Okay,” I said flipping to a clean sheet, “Let’s start over.”

“Okay then.  Three lies I will tell you, and one truth.”